June 1st, 2007 was the perfect storm of strippers and hot women for Twitchy!
I normally don't like dating strippers and have never knowingly tried to date one. Its not that I am morally opposed by any means - I mean, a girl has gotta make a living, right? Its just that dating strippers or ex-strippers seems to involve more drama than the average woman. Trust me, I know - I have dated more than my fair share. And to me, strip clubs are boring compared to normal bars as they are too controlled and the chances of a "random" guy off the street actually picking a girl up there is slim to none.
After the initial, eye filling glory of seeing lots of boobies everywhere, strip clubs to me are just expensive drinks and women who want my money.
So it was with much regret that when I received an invitation to SecondChance's going away at a prominent Dallas strip club, that I called and told him I probably wasn't going to make it. After all, it was a Friday night and I had a date with one of the girls I am currently seeing.....
Friday afternoon hits and two things happen....my girl emails me and tells me she isn't feeling well so she wants to have a low key night. And I get a text from an ex-stripper inviting me to dinner with her and several of her friends.
Ex-stripper found me on myspace several months ago. We exchanged numbers and have drunk dialed each other several times but have never met until this point.
Oh, if you haven't done this yet, get your myspace page together. I have now dated 4 hot girls that have contacted me on myspace and am currently working on number 5. Its sooo easy. You build it, they come, you cum. Nuff said.
Back to the story..... What was I to do? Go out with my sick girl or meet ex-stripper? I did what any red blooded, single male who thinks too much with his penis would have done - I chased the strange. I text back ex-stripper and told her game on. I then called my girl and told her that I was going to be working late (true) and that maybe we should do a raincheck. She suggested I just do my thing and then come over at the end of the night to stay with her. A date with an ex-stripper and then guaranteed sex with my girl, a hot Asian chick? Deal!
Coincidentally, ex-stripper says dinner will be at a sushi restaurant just around the corner from my girl's house. How convenient! I show up to dinner and don't see any girl that remotely resembles ex-stripper's myspace picture so I order a beer and work the crowd. The bar is full very hot women. I text Capt Jack, Fidelio and a work buddy that I have found new stomping ground. Fidelio text's back and reminds me of the going away party [insert foreshadowing here]
While I am taking in the scene and getting random whiffs of hot girl scent, I get a text from another stripper I sort of date wanting to know what I am up to. This girl and I talk now and then and have slept together before but 9 times out of 10 when we make plans, she flakes. I didn't even know she was a stripper when I first met her. I picked her up when she was go-go dancing at a local dance club in Dallas. Anyway, I tell her I am at dinner and she make plans with me for Saturday night. Riiighhhttttt.......I have been down this path with her many times. I KNOW she will flake on me Saturday night.
My date finally arrives. She is HOT! She introduces me to her friends - two of which are even hotter. To quote Mr. Smithers..."excellent!"
Dinner and conversation are fun. There are several high rollers at the table. It is always good to meet connected, wealthy people to provide a boost to your social network. And best of all, the hottest girl at the table picks up the tab for the entire dinner. Yup, hot date, great dinner and it was paid for by a smoking hot chick. This night is off to a great start!
Highlights of dinner - the girls get a little tipsy and decide it is picture time. Many pics are taken of the girls kissing and grabbing each other's tits. Fun for the whole family.
During dinner, I get a text from my girl I am supposed to meet up with. She says she is calling it an early night freeing me up for the evening. As dinner ends, ex-stripper has to go to because of other plans. I walk her to her car, give her a hug and kiss on the cheek and decide to roll out to SecondChance's going away.
I arrive and the gang is all there. Capt Jack, Zodiac, SecondChance, Fidelio, Juicy and Kino Master. Strippers beware, PUAs are in the house! Check out Fidelio's post of the evening 'An Apology to "Dancer #27" at IHOP'. http://firesidewithfidelio.blogspot.com/
I am sitting next to Zodiac and see this smoking HOT blonde come in with a crew. Blonde is a 10 in anyone's book, I don't care who you are. And she looks familiar to me although I can't place her. I tell the same to Zodiac.
A few beers later and I am feeling generous. I tell SecondChance to pick out a dancer and I will go get her for him. He of course picks the hottest one in the club. I go piss and then swing by a table where she is sitting on some guy's lap and tell her she has a fan that would like a dance. She says OK and promises to come by later. I start to walk off and then glance up and see that Blonde is sitting at the same table too with a couple of other girls. Brain is a little slow but it finally puts two and two together and I recognize her. She works in a medical office I go to now and then.
Every time I roll in into the office, I always have my energy up and shamelessly flirt with all of the ladies. Moral of the story is to ABF (always be flirting). It may pay off for you when you least expect it.
Blonde is embarrassed to be seen in a strip club but happy to see me. She has been engaged for several years and her fiance is there but at the other end of the table. Her and I play catch up and I tell her I don't go to strip clubs often and she says she does because she likes hot girls. BONG! I ask how she is doing and she says she is not happy.
Then, to my shock, she gives me the puppy dog dinner bowl eyes and tells me she always thought that her and I have always had a connection. She starts holding my hand. It is very awkward in a sexual chemistry, I want to fuck until my dick is raw kind of way. After a bit, I excuse myself and go back to the boys to brag.
And then, holy shit!, Blonde comes over to our table to meet all of my friends. She shakes hands with all of the PUAs and then her and I start talking again. She reiterates how she is not happy and we start playing hand footsie again. She has always talked about her fiance's motorcycles and cars so we get into conversation about those and I mention the recent race car I bought. She leaves to go back to her table for a bit after giving me a couple of kisses on the cheek.
Next thing I know, the hot stripper I tried to commission for SecondChance comes over to me and tells me she has been prepaid by Blonde to give me a dance. Yes, a hot girl just bought me a lap dance from a hot girl. I just know Lady Karma is going to expect payment for this night....
After the dance, I grab our waitress and hand her cash to buy Blonde and her friends some drinks. I have to return the favor somehow......
Shortly after that, the fiance comes over. I fully expect for him to hands extended launch at my throat. Instead, he is happy to meet me and we talk cars. Dumb ass! His girl is giving me 'fuck me' eyes all night and he is befriending me. That being said, he looks like a chode but actually seems like a nice guy. Go figure.
Blonde comes by later with a hot Asian girl. She introduces me to hot Asian and then whispers in my ear that Asian works at the strip club (yet another stripper for the evening) and that Asian thinks I am cute. She then mentions that the three of us should hang out sometime. Seriously, I am so happy to not be making this up, you can't even imagine. While I am talking to Blonde, I overhear Zodiac mention something about Twitchy rhyming with Bitchy, the table laughs and I bite my tongue to not start cracking up.
I get Blonde's number and she leaves. I call her phone so she has my number and leave her a silly voice mail.
I then start up conversation with the boys with a colgate smile on my face. The boys tell me my new nickname is Bitchy.Haters!
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Zodiac's hilarious response:
I like fiction as much as the next guy, but I've gotta set the record straight.
Things went down pretty much like he said, except for the girl and pretty much everything else. Twitchy points the girl out to me and says he knows her from somewhere. I've never seen such a hog in my life. You could see the cottage cheese through her tight jeans. She had so much back fat it looked like she had a second set of breasts on her back. He says she's with his favorite escort service then says "oops, I mean medical office." Okay, so Twitchy thinks she's hot and that's great. UGs need love, too. Her Asian friend was kinda cute, in that "if you like girls with a mustache and wooden leg" way. Blah, blah, etc, etc. Fast forward to the end of the evening. The place is shutting down, at least for the normal customers.
We got out and the "10" and her crew is there waiting for a cab. Twitchy starts bugging them again and the pimp, I mean boyfriend, gets him to calm down by giving Twitchy his number. They get in a cab and speed off into the night. Twitchy tells us that he valet parked his car because he doesn't like to be the person who takes the chance of starting the thing up. He mumbles something about a bad fuel leak that could turn the thing into a fuel-air bomb. His '94 Ford Escort rolls up and it's some kinda tricked out piece of work. Mostly it's tricked out with Bondo and rust, but what the hell, I wouldn't insult a man's wheels. He drives off in a cloud of smoke.
And, yeah, we start calling him "Bitchy," but not we were jealous. We called him "Bitchy" because he kept complaining that the bar didn't carry Pabst Blue Ribbon and that he had to pay more than $2.50 for his Bud Lite.
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My response:
Zodiac, thanks for setting the record straight!As a follow up,
I hooked up with the "hog" through the number her pimp gave me. What can I say? Its been a while and I needed a little action. I usually prefer to sleep with women who have a full set of teeth but she was available and the price was right .....My car had died on the way to my job at the meat packing plant so I was without wheels but fortunately, she does outcall service so it all worked out.
I wish I had a great story of hot hog sex but alas, her breast shaped back fat was too much for me. Having two sets of titties to play with once I got her shirt off were more than ole Twitchy could handle.
I release my little soldiers in my pants before I even got a chance to pull lil' Twitch from my bikini briefs. And the bitch didn't even have the decency to give me a partial refund for no penetration!
My sexless streak of 7 years, 243 days continues....the morale of the story is only skinny bitches with no sexy back fat from here on out for me. I saw a smoking hot, anorexic, HB10 crack whore peddling for handouts at the corner of Harry Hines and Inwood the other day. I plan on seeing if I can set up a day 2 with her. Do you guys think Cocky and Funny will work or should I just run Strawberry Fields on her?
Oh, and Zodiac, the hog told me to tell you to be patient. Although it was obvious to all that you really enjoyed the tits on the Asian stripper as "she" gave you that lap dance and rubbed on your dick, it will be just a few more months of estrogen injections and the doctors will be able to perform the surgery to complete the sex change. "She" is looking forward to that that hot date you promised "her" very soon....
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Zodiac's response to others:
I was there. I saw what happened. I don't believe it, but I saw it. Nobody, but nobody, can go into a strip club and get picked up by a smoking hot blond, in front of her fiance. It's not possible. I saw it happen, and it isn't possible.
The only possible answer is that Twitchy drugged all of us into thinking that a 300 pound hog was a smoking hot blond. He gave us a hypnotic suggestion to make us think we saw her picking him up. Then, somehow, he got control of an Illuminati owned Orbital Mind Control Laser to make us believe we were seeing her fiance come up to him and be oblivious, nice, and approval seeking.
See, it had to happen that way. If it really happened the way he made us all believe we saw it happen, my head would explode.
Everything he said is the way I remember it, except for one very important detail. I was the one who said "Twitchy rhythms with Bitchy." (A line I stole from Space Ghost: Coast to Coast. They were interviewing Russell Johnson and SG said "Russell rhythms with muscle.") However, since it is impossible to go into a top shelf strip club and get picked up by a woman who is hotter than any of the strippers, Twitchy must have jacked with my memory.
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Capt Jack's response:
Twitchy, I fucking hate you.
That girl was an 11. I nearly nutted in my pants when she came over.
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