FR: Shit tests from around the world

This was originally posted on Oct 24, 2006.

I ended up dating the Brunette for several months although she wouldn't let me sleep with her for some reason.

The Irish girl called me two days later and I slept with her that night. And the next night. And then she later flew to visit me from the UK for a little more American loving.
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I have two buddies come in to town for a conference. One I am very close to and the other I have partied with once before in Vegas. The one I am close to is Scottish but grew up mostly in Germany so he has a unique accent. He is very good looking and gets girls where ever he goes. The other is from Atlanta and has done modeling work although he is very shy and not good with women. I decide to take them out to a hot Monday night spot to show them what Dallas has to offer.

I found a new sticking point of mine. I don't have approach anxiety but when I am with other guys, I don't get in the mood to sarge. I just end up enjoying my conversation with them and never approach women.

I decide to blow through it. After we all caught up, I made them pick a girl for me to go sarge on. They of course pick the hottest blonde in the bar and make bets as to how quickly I am going to get blown out.

Hottie is at bar ordering a drink. I go stand next to her to order and realize she is with a gay guy friend. The girl is so smoking that guys on the other side of the bar are ordering her shots from afar. Because of this, the bartendar is moving slow and takes a while to get to me. During this time, I start up small talk with the gay guy.


Hottie eventually sees me talking to her friend and turns to me. I notice that she has black finger nail polish. I open her with "nice finger nails, you know, its not halloween yet" and then turn back to the gay friend.


She confronts me and says "you are not up on your fashion...Vogue says that this is the in thing." I tell gay friend "is she always like this? How can you stand to hang around her?"


She gets riled up and asks me "who am I to talk to her like that?" I ignore her comment and then say "you know, Cosmo said that black fingernails were so last year". She tells me I don't know what I am talking about since Vogue is about fashion and Cosmo is about sex. I tell her that is why I read Cosmo.


I end the fingernail polish thread. I get my drink and walk with hottie and gay guy outside to a patio. I get to know gay guy and almost flirt with him - an obstacle - while trying to balance ignoring her but keeping her involved enough to not walk away. After I feel I am in with him, I tell her I have something to show her and walk her back inside.


I am doing lots of kino - especially with her hands. We do some small talk and I had planned on doing Strawberry Fields but she starts gazing into my eyes. I decide to get her to qualify herself although I should have probably tried a kiss test then. I was still somewhat imtimidated by her beauty at this point and wanted her more into me before I attempted a kiss.


I tell her that she is obviously very beautiful but that is common in Dallas. What does she have to offer someone besides her looks? Um, blank stares.... She says, why don't you tell me what I have to offer. I don't let her get away with it and keep trying to get her to qualify herself. I can tell this is getting her more into me although she can't come up with any answers. I am realizing very quickly that this beauty isn't very bright.


We start gazing into each other's eyes and I start to slowly go in for a kiss. She seems receptive and we keep our eyes locked on each other as I slowly approach. I am about a foot away so just picture a slow motion approach with my face while our eyes are locked. As I get about 4 inches away, the gay friend appears and blocks me.


He tells me that he is supposed to be watching over her and drags her away. Shit!I go say hi to my buddies who are impressed so far and then go back out to Hottie and gay guy. I start talking to him again to get him back into me. While I am talking to him, she slinks off. After a bit, I leave and find her again although there are now several guys hitting on her and my magic is gone. I get her phone number but she seemed distracted when giving it to me. I tried to talk with her after getting her number but too many guys are vying for her attention. I leave and don't even think I will call her. A good warm up.


I head to the bathroom and then get in line at the bar for a drink. In front of me is this hot, girl-next-door brunette with a drunken, beligerent meat head guy. I open her with "don't I know you from somewhere?" What!?! How did that come of my mouth? What is wrong with me????? I have been possessed by my old, AFC self. Ugh.


Anyway, it works. She immediately turns to me and tells me - "maybe you have seen my picture on match.com or yahoo dating?" Whoa - she just opened herself to me. I ask why she is on dating sites when she is with this guy. She mentions that guy is just some fake Dallas guy hitting on her. She was actually supposed to meet some guy there but got stood up.


I ask her if she is alone and she says she came to the bar with her neighbor but yeah, she is alone. I tell her that I got stood up too by some flaky girl I have been trying to date and that we should hang out together. She agrees and we go outside.


This is one of the coolest girls I have met in a long time. We have instant connection and jump right into comfort. My buddies find me after a bit and whisper in my ear - "dude, you are with the hottest girl in the bar" She has this natural beauty that isn't very common in Dallas with all of the fakeness and plastic that is common to the city.


We talk for a while and I tell her that I am enjoying my night with her and would like to take her out sometime. Yes, this is AFCish but seemed right. She is from the midwest like me and seems a little old fashioned. She agrees, we exchange numbers. Talk some more. She brings me over to her neighbor to introduce me. I tell her after a bit I better get back to my buddies. We hug and part ways. Seriously guys, if this works, she could be girlfriend material. She is the kind of girl I am looking for.

It is closing time and my buddies and I start to leave. I go say one last good bye to my brunette and then meet my buddies outside. Scottish natural is talking to a girl from London who has a really cute friend. She has this very nerdy guy with no fashion sense and thick glasses hanging on her.


I go up to her and look over and my buddy is already making out with London girl. This happened in like 2 minutes. He is amazing.


An aside - Scottish and I were in a bar in Vegas once. He tells the bartender - tell the girl down there that I am a doctor and that I have a suite with a hottub and want her to join me. The girls looks down the bar at him, joins us and 15 minutes later he is taking her back to his room. Bastard! Its the good looks and the accent. (And no, he isn't a doctor and didn't have a suite. The girl still hung out with him all weekend)


Anyway, I turn to the friend and say "wow, look at them, our friends are really into each other. OK, I can personally guarantee that no one has ever received a shit test like this. Ready for it?In an Irish accent:"Your friend is really good looking. Is he a model? I bet you are tired of him getting all of the good looking girls and you going home with all of the ugly, fat ones." WTF?!?! Yes, you read this correctly. Thank god I was still on a high from the brunette or I would have collapsed in anguish.


She again says that my friend must be a model. I say yes, an underwear model. For fruit of the looms. She cracks up and wants to see his undies. He drops his pants a bit and shows white Calvin Kleins. She then demands to see mine - I drop my pants and show her. I tell her she can feel them if she wants to make sure they are real.

I then tell her that I never date ugly girls. She says that I must because I am not good looking like my friend. I tell her to ask my buddy how many phone numbers I got tonight. She asks and he says 2. I then tell her to ask my buddy how many he got. She asks and he says - working on 1. I tell her I am working on my third and then start into her immediately.


I was making fun of her sandals, her earrings, her accent. Just rip into her in a playful way in rapid fire. She starts getting all worked up - not quite laughing but making these strange noises - it is tough to describe. Then she starts making this sqaulking noise and kind of flapping her arms and dancing around. I tell her she looks like a squealing piglet trying to fly. This gets her doing more squaking and then she is laughing so hard she is snorting. I of course make fun of that and then go to her friend "OMG, how can you hang out with someone like this? Doesn't she embarrass you where ever you go?"


This keeps up and I have Irish gasping for breath. She has never had anyone pick on her like this. Nothing was sacred - I ripped one liners - one after another - on just about everything about her. I finally let her catch her breath and then put my arms around her. I then ask her if she remembered what she said when I first approached her. I then tell her that she must be the ugly fat one since she is with me. She playfully hits me.


We keep talking and I keep teasing her relentlessly. Its about 45 minutes after the bar has closed and my buddy is still making out with his girl, Irish and I are now standing with our arms around each other, and our model buddy and the nerdy guy are just standing there watching.I get Irish into talking about sex and she talks about giving BJs. This is going in the right direction and my plan is for me and Scottish to take the girls back to my place and abandon our Model buddy to a taxi ride to the hotel.


Out of no where, Model buddy cock blocks me. Literally. He says to Irish - if you like BJs, I would really like to feel your lips on my cock. There is an awkward silence and this kills the mood for all of us. It is 3am and I have a job interview the next day so I decide that the night is over and wave at a taxi that was waiting nearby. Everyone gets in the taxi - including the nerdy guy. However, I drove so I give Irish a kiss, tell her I would ask for her number but only get numbers from fat, ugly women.


I hand her my card and tell her if she wants more abuse, to give me a call. Irish and London are doing a tour of the states and are in Dallas for the week. Irish tells me she wants me to show her around this week and will call but I doubt she will and don't care all that much.Shit tests are obviously universal and not just a US chick thing. Of course, if all Irish guys have to put up with insults like I received, then I feel sorry for them.