Why did I get involved in the pick up community?

Like many in the community, I started out not having a good social or dating life. In high school I was the classic, awkward nerd. Although intelligent, I was very insecure, timid, dorky, and introverted. In addition to my geekiness, I grew up very poor. So poor that my Mom, God bless her heart, would make my clothes or buy them from garage sales. I was definitely not the “cool” kid wearing the latest trends…...

We also had to grow a lot of our own food and cut our own wood to heat our house so instead of being out playing on Friday or Saturday nights, I was normally chopping wood, fishing or hunting to put food on the table.

Throughout my high school years, I would have these obsessive crushes on the hottest girls but would never let them know or “make a move” on them. Instead, I would do stupid stuff to get their attention like draw these detailed, abstract drawings with the girl’s name or initials hidden in them and then give it to the girls. Throughout early high school, the closest I got to a date was one of my crushes at the time wanted me to draw her something so I did while she sat with me and we talked.

To add insult to injury, I was picked on mercilessly by many of the jocks and upperclassmen in my little country hick high school so I was embarrassed on an almost daily basis. I was beat up, locked in lockers, hung from jacket hooks, placed on water fountains with the water running, pushed down stairs, - all the usual kid stuff – in front of the girls I had crushes on. Many times I went home with black eyes, bloody noses, torn clothes or with gum in my hair for doing nothing other than being smart and awkward. Not fond memories!

I was always curious as to why the cool kids were cool and why I wasn’t. As I got a little older, instead of dating, I would pass my time people watching - studying why the cool kids were cool. I would go to parties (when they would let me in) or wherever the cool kids hung out, sit in the corner with a drink, and watch all of the social interaction. I also read lots of books on sex and relationships and watched a lot of TV – especially comedy shows.

This is how sad my understanding of sex was before educating myself…..although I knew about penetration, I actually thought that pregnancy happened through the pubic hair not unlike the pollination of flowers or corn. Seriously! I am almost reluctant to admit it…..

And then I did something life altering. I got a job in a town 45 minutes away from my little home town. It was like starting over, as no one knew me or my geeky past. I happened to work with one of the cheerleaders in that town whom I got along great with and she introduced me to her friends which is where I also really discovered partying.

Having spent the last few years studying people, I now started applying all that I learned made someone “cool” to my newfound life. Although I didn’t have much inner confidence, I was able to fake it fairly well. I made friends with the “cool” kids in this town, had my first dates, got my first kiss and ended up even dating this town’s Homecoming Queen for a bit and another girl who was a runner up to Miss Teen [STATE].

However, most of these dates or girlfriends were from girls who chased me. I believe they chased me from as much as me being the unknown “new guy” in town as any attractiveness I possessed. And when they did catch me, I didn’t know what to do with them and they would eventually lose interest and dump me. I went off to college still very much a virgin and never even having had oral sex.

College treated me better. I lost my virginity to a great girl, dated two of my university’s football cheerleaders (who were sisters), and made a lot of friends. However, I still lacked overall confidence and had very little style.

After college, I joined the military which helped my confidence in many ways but not with women. It’s amazing that many soldiers can survive basic training, learn to kill and yet are still terrified of talking to an attractive girl.

After the military, I decided that it was time to get my dating life in order. I actually went through a several year transformation to make myself more attractive to women:

- Started working out every day and put 50 lbs of muscle on my very wiry frame (now since gone soft)
- Started going to Toastmasters to improve my speaking
- Got lasik and ditched the thick glasses
- I lived way beneath my means, started a budget, sacrificed going out and quit buying unnecessary stuff so that I had some money in the bank
- Whitened my teeth
- Got acne medicine to clean up my face
- Started reading books on dating (although they don't hold a light to what exists now)
- Became friends with a trendy gay guy who helped me with a hair style and some trendy clothes
- Found some fun hobbies
- Gathered a large circle of hot girlfriends (mostly by my failed attempts to date them)

I also reached several other goals I was pursuing such as getting a master’s degree, buying a first home, putting money in the bank, buying a nice car, traveling around the world and starting my own company.

After I had my life together as well as I thought I wanted it, I joined an expensive dating service that sets people up on dates. In 2 years, I went on over 70 blind dates. Trust me, I am not uncomfortable on any dating situation anymore…..Through all of that, I still never learned really how to make a move. It would either just "happen", the girl would be the aggressor, or it wouldn't happen at all unless we were out drinking and I had some "liquid courage" in me.
I could approach, carry on conversation, get girls cracking up at my jokes and tease them. I could get their numbers, and get them to go on "dates" with me. However, I would rarely touch them (kino) or make “a move” so most just ended up becoming friends. In my mind, I couldn’t tell if they liked me if they didn’t hold my hand or kiss me and I would rather have them as a friend than try something on them and have them insulted by it. A very lame perspective in hindsight.

I would listen to these female friends of mine describe everything that they wanted in a man. I knew that they were always describing “me” but they would always end up with losers who cheated on them, abused them, couldn’t hold a job, whatever…..

I never figured out that although these guys didn’t have much going for them “on paper”, they knew how to generate attraction.

I may have had a lot going for me, but I wasn’t a man. Or didn’t act like one towards women. Instead, I would attempt to buy their love with dinner, flowers, nights out, listening to them, etc. How fake is that? I had no problem talking to women. I just felt that I would be making them uncomfortable if I touched them so I wined and dined them and waited until they tried something on me (if ever).

I had “make a move” anxiety vs. approach anxiety….

Instead, my natural way of getting girls was to try amp up their attraction until they became the aggressor and made a move on me. This way I was sure they wanted to have happen whatever happened and I wouldn't risk rejection.

What skills I did have for game were what my friends called “the fisherman”. I would cast out to many girls and see what bit. I would flirt, tease, do everything but make a move and hope that someone would take interest. Occasionally they would and I have dated some exceptional women and have had sex with more women than the number of years I have been on this planet. However, it was the ones that chased me that I dated and it never quite felt fulfilling.

What I didn’t realize then, and now know, was that I was getting a lot of responses to my fishing expeditions. I just didn’t realize it. I wasn’t picking up on women’s indicators of interest (IOIs). Or if I did notice subconsciously, I was too scared to act on them.

So, after failed relationship after failed relationship and losing out on a couple of recent crushes that put me in the “friends” zone, I decided it was time to do something drastic. I started searching the internet for seduction advice and ran across references to “The Game”. Through that book, I discovered the pick up community in July 2006.

Being in the pick up community has helped me dramatically improve my life in this area. My ultimate goal is to find the woman I have the best connection with and marry her and start a family some day. The problem is, I am very, very picky. Although I can be understanding, compromising and forgiving, I hold the women I have relationships with to the same high standards I hold myself to. It is tough to live up to.

So the search is still on going to find the one that I find myself compatible with, who is sexy, who is attractive, who I can have fun with and who will call me on my bullshit when needed. I plan on meeting, dating and getting to know as many women as possible until I find one I can’t live without.

I plan to be the Chooser instead of the Chaser.