The ball

I recently attended a charity ball held annually which is billed as “the world's largest black tie affair”. "Party for a purpose" would be a good way to describe it as it is definitely alcohol focused but all proceeds go to children's charities.

Several groups throw pre and post parties. Everyone is encouraged to get rooms so that they don't have to drive home or fight the taxi line on the way out of the ball.

It is guaranteed a great time. This year was no exception.

The event starts out in the afternoon with me checking into my room. I have a cooler full of beer and several of bottles of alcohol. Vodka (one of my best buddies), my usual wingman and another guy are supposed to join me. We have an open invitation out to 13 girls to join us at the ball and several say they plan on crashing in our place at the end of the evening.

I get to the room as my usual wing shows up. We go to the lobby bar of the hotel and grab dinner and a beer while we catch up. We then head to the room while Vodka and the other guy show up. We all make drinks and change into our tuxedos.

We head to a pre-party we were invited to which was dead. However, instead of bouncing around, we decide to wait to see if any of our girls shows up. Two do - a hot blonde and her even hotter blonde friend. Vodka and I immediately go for the hotter friend while my usual wing goes for the initial blonde whom he knows and invited.

We ditch the pre-party and roll down to the ball. We are a little bit early and the ball isn’t really happening yet. Vodka and I exchange glances. We have been buddies for many years and both know when we need to spice up a party. We hit the bar and each slam 3 tequila shots. Hot Blonde decides to join us in the shots. She is a party girl and we are both digging her.

We never let women get in the way of our friendship and normally, we have different taste in women so it isn’t an issue. However, we are both flirting with her so I pull him aside and we make a “whatever happens, we are still friends” pack. Game on!

After we slam the shots, we decide to head into the bar. However, while we are walking from the bar to the ball, I run into my physician. My doctor is hot! Very hot! And although she is married with kids, has checked me several times for venereal diseases and has put her finger up my ass to test my prostrate, I get a feeling she is very attracted to me. Maybe it was the fact that she gave me her personal cell phone and invited me to lunch after my last appointment? Or maybe it was when I saw her at the ball, she pulled me away from her group of friends (and husband) and planted a kiss first on my neck and then later on my lips after we talk for a bit? ‘D’, all of the above…… I separate myself from her after a bit and head into the ball to catch up with Vodka and Blondie.

I get into the ball and run into my usual wing, along with Vodka, Blondie and even hotter Blondie. My wing is talking to a very young guy who is with one of the hottest brunettes I have ever seen in person. Stunning! The young guy is very drunk – he has been drinking all day long and can barely put a sentence together. His GORGEOUS date has a look of disgust on her face and I see an opportunity. I jump in, pull her away from her date and start talking to her.

Brunette is VERY receptive to any attention from anyone other than her date. We flirt, talk, hit it off….. when I decide it is time for another drink. She comes with me as I head to the bar and grab us each a glass of wine. As we are getting our drink on, her very drunk, young date comes up and pulls her away from me. I try to steal her back but as it turns out, she has been dating this douche for a while and just upset with him, not ready to leave him.

I head back to Vodka and Hot Blonde. At this point, we are already bored with the ball as the energy just has not picked up. Hot Blonde shows her true party side and wants us to invite Brunette to leave the ball and head back to the room. She tells us that she is Bi and wants to go to my room and party. A four-some if you will. We approach Brunette and let Hot Blonde do all of the talking. Brunette seems at first responsive and then clams up and decides to stay with her boyfriend. Oh well.

We decide to ditch her and the three of us – me, Vodka and Hot Blonde – head up to my room.

Over the next 3 hours the three of us drink WAY too much. We kill all but ¼ of a brand new bottle of Grey Goose, an unopened bottle of Tuaca, and two brand new bottles of Champagne. Yup, 3 people drank 3 shots of tequila and then managed to kill 4 bottles of alcohol. I am very surprised we are still alive.

Sometime during the melee, my usual wing and the other blonde come up to my room to check on us. They walk into a situation where Blondie is in the process of taking my clothes off with vodka hovering right next to us. Blondie has her lipstick smeared all over her face. The details are a bit fuzzy but lucky for me, my usual wing was able to snap some quick pictures to later refresh my memory before we came to our senses and stopped.

Blonde very wisely pulls her friend out of the room and they leave the ball and go home.
The night is still young and although I probably should have given my body and my liver a rest for the evening, I stagger back down to the ball with my usual wing. It is almost over but there is still music going on.

We run into my wing’s boss. I have known her for a while and although she is older than me, she is a hottie. Guys are always hitting on her and she has dated a couple of famous rock musicians. She has never been married nor had kids and is a party girl.

I go up to her and pull her onto the dance floor. She makes a comment about how aggressive I am. I play off this and tell her she has no idea about how aggressive I can be. She makes a flirty, cooing noise and tells me she likes aggressive guys.

I look over and my wing has pulled this amazing blonde woman we had spotted earlier out onto the dance floor. He looks over at me and just to mess with him, I pull his boss’s hair so that her head rocks back and then I bite her neck. The look on his face was priceless! And boss was into it. We start making out on the dance floor.

Things get hot and heavy. There is a lot of dancing, making out, hair pulling, pinning against walls, etc. Boss came with a big group of girls in a limo and they finally succeed in pulling her away from me and getting her to leave the ball. I didn’t really want it to go much farther with her than a drunken make out as I have a professional relationship with her so I didn’t put up a fight.

I head to the restroom and find that I have lipstick and makeup smeared all over my face. I do my best to wash it off and then head to an after ball party in one of the hotel suites.

I get into the party and immediately this girl, seeing that I am a drunken mess, pulls me into the bathroom and offers to clean me up. I get a good look in the mirror this time…my hair is a mess, I still have lipstick smeared all over my face, and my tux is missing its bow tie.

She washes my face for me and does her best to clean me up. There is beer on ice in the tub so I grab us each one and we sit on the tub edge and talk until there is knocking on the bathroom door.

As we are walking out, I run into my usual wing. Surprise surprise, we end up at the same after hour’s party….. He is still a little shaken up from watching me violate his boss in 10 different ways but tells me he has seen the perfect girl for me.

He walks me over to a set of couches with 8 women and 6 guys sitting on them. It is obvious that all of the guys are working the girls.

My wing points out “my girl” and he is right, physically she is totally my type. And she has a guy sitting right next to her spitting all of his mad game.

I listen for a bit to get a read on the situation. The guy is doing OK and I can tell “my girl” is mildly interested. My wing and I debate about what I should do. So, I can either move on and let the guy have his girl, or I can provide him some friendly competition.

“Fuck it, I am going in”

I rudely plop down on the couch on the other side of her and announce “Sorry I am late, but traffic was a bitch” with a shit eating grin.

Instead of laughter or a positive response, I get a bunch of blank stares from everyone on the couch. If the party wasn’t so loud, I am sure you could hear crickets chirping.

To save the situation, I made a self disparaging comment. “Come on, do you really think a drunk guy with messed up hair and a missing bow tie is going to have something insightful to say?” And then I laughed.

This gets a laugh out of the group and gets the attention of “my girl”. She turns from the guy hitting on her and starts talking to me. I keep her laughing the rest of the night. She is a lot of fun! Sometime during the conversation, the other guy quietly leaves. In fact, all of the other guys left leaving me on the couch entertaining the 8 girls.

Throughout (what I remember) of our conversation, I was playing a role of naive guy, right off the farm, who owned a couple of chickens and a goat and drove a tractor around town. Anytime they asked me what I did, what I liked to do for fun, etc. I made a reference back to my "farm".

I had heard several of the other guys trying to impress the girls with what they did for work, how many houses they had, what kind of car they drove, etc. Very boring stuff! I decided before I even approached the couches that I was going to be the fun guy.

All of the girls were picking on me in a friendly way about being drunk, being a goofball, being a farmer, etc. I was teasing them all right back.

At one point I announced I needed a drink (no, I really didn’t) and my girl tells me she will get me one. She goes to the bar that was set up in the room and comes back with a shot for me.
I try to do the shot but it is the nastiest whiskey that has ever touched my lips. And I LOVE whiskey! I almost barf all over the table. She makes fun of me being a wimp so I give her the shot. She takes a sip and it almost makes her throw up.

The other girls start giving me a hard time about not being able to drink so I man up and down the shot. Yes, I gave in to peer pressure….. They bet me I can’t do another one. I say sure but if I do it, I get a kiss from “my girl”. She agrees, gets me another shot and I slam it. And I don’t remember anything afterwards. I wake up in my hotel room in the morning, still in my tux lying on the bed.

The next morning I wake up and clean up the room. I find a number in my pocket with no name and unfortunately, I can’t remember the name of the girl from the party. That sucks!

I head home and chill on my couch. Strangely, I am not hung over. I decide that my liver has just given up and isn’t going to try and teach me any more lessons as they never work.

Later, I get a call from a friend who needs help moving a bed. I agree to help and when I stand up, feel woozy. I decide to pull out my breathalyzer I purchased off of Ebay and see if I still have alcohol in my system. Its 3pm in the afternoon and I blow a .13. Whoa!

Fortunately, my friend lives around the corner so there is no more drunken driving required. I get to my buddy’s and in the middle of moving a mattress from my friend’s house to his garage, I turn my head and empty the contents of my stomach all over their yard. Luckily we are outside so no clean up required. I guess my liver wants to punish me afterall……

I go home and call my girl. And as luck would have it, I get her voice mail and she gives her name in the message. Excellent! I leave a message and she calls me back a few minutes later.

She is laughing at my drunken state from the night before and I am picking on her about a bunch of stuff we talked about. We end up having a long, fun conversation.

We have been dating ever since.